The Discipline of Solitude
I was in my mid 20s when I chose to leave Bangkok after 5 years full of fulfilling friendships , boundless inner exploration, and heaps of healing. As I mentally prepared to leave, I vaguely noticed that there was an enigmatic disconnect between my thinking mind and feeling heart. Up to that point, I was heavily leaning on my thinking mind to make all decisions. But the decision to leave a very happy life in Bangkok was made almost intuitively by my feeling heart. It had something to do with purpose. The right decision by all metrics, yet it led me to more confusion and subsequent soul searching. I asked myself, “What is the cause of this disconnect between heart and mind? And what are the effects?”
Almost 20 years later, as I talk to modern men through my coaching practice, I see that many men are hurting from the same disconnect. This disconnect is causing other problems for men, like a lack of personal awareness, a lack of purpose, and a lack of confidence. Bill Ploktin wrote a book called Nature and the Human Soul, wherein he created an elegantly designed, 8 stage wheel of life that outlines the never ending process of maturation from being born to dying old. He explained that this disconnect is something that happens when adolescents fail to complete the Oasis Stage. In this stage, the adolescent leaves the garden stage, which is mostly family, and enters the social scene. The age of puberty. Young, changing boys and girls go out into the world looking to combine their authentic selves with the modern social structure. It can occasionally get messy. And Bill Ploktin concludes boys tend to sacrifice their authenticity for social acceptance. Men stop searching within for self knowledge and instead allow society to mold themselves into normal men. This sacrifice is where the divergence begins.
A “normal” modern man has a wife, a couple of children, a mortgage, a car payment and a mediocre job, yet are stuck in emotional adolescence. This stagnation of personal growth leads to worse symptoms such as explosive anger, lethargy, irritable moods, superficial relationships and depression. In order to improve, we all must look at our heart and mind disconnect with honesty. Once you can recognize the disconnection, you can initiate a connection through a powerful practice called the discipline of solitude.
The discipline of solitude is a technique that both men and women can use equally. It is the act of consciously being alone with the intent of nurturing your relationship with yourself. We must take time to nurture this relationship and deepen our own understanding of ourselves. Relationships don’t deepen on their own. They must be nurtured. You have to water your relationships, and nurture them and make time for them to flourish. It all starts with your relationship with yourself. By creating this discipline of solitude, you get to be with yourself and allow your self knowledge and self love to grow.
The discipline of solitude allows your relationship with yourself to become alive. It is a sacred time where you can remove all masks and bask in your authenticity. You can choose the time to quiet the mind and look inward with deeper questions, such as “What are my greatest desires? What are my biggest fears? What are my rhythms and triggers? What makes me happy and how am I serving others today?” As the answers surface from deep within, I always act as a neutral observer, without self judgment.
The discipline of solitude has been so important to me since leaving Bangkok, that 10 years later, when my first born son was almost 2, I began walking up before the sun to sit with myself. I knew that no one would bother me at this time and it has become one of my strongest practices. These daily sessions lead to a mental clarity of myself and my purpose, a deep confidence in my decision making, and more attentiveness to my wife and children. I have a higher vibrating energy where I notice the beauty of the present and my mood is joyful.
How can you implement this practice into your life? Here are some ways that I do.
Walk in nature, whether in the woods or the beach.
Sit and meditate in a quiet corner of your home.
Float in a sensory deprivation chamber. Floating is crucial for healing.
Take the train ride to no one in particular.
Go into your bedroom and tell your family to not enter for an hour.
Drive to an uncrowded lookout point.
Sit in your garden and watch and listen to nature.
We all can work on our feeling heart and thinking mind connection through nurturing our relationship with ourselves. When you have a positive, vibrant relationship with yourself, you can show up for others with more confidence and more energy. The discipline of solitude will certainly feed your self knowledge and increase your self love.
Deep Gratitude!
